number of people have written to me about their unwanted, obsessive thoughts after I published my article on obsessive compulsive disorder some time ago, titled Those
Of particular note have been people who wrote about their fear that they “might be gay” because 1) they have a thought, “I might be gay," 2) they believe that it would be terrible if they were gay, and 3) having a thought is a sign that you are gay.
Now, certainly if someone is gay, it is an important period of growth and courage to recognize that this is the case and to embrace one’s true identity. Not to sound like a cliché, but there is nothing “wrong” with being gay, and there is something dehumanizing in rejecting one’s true identity. However, the people who are writing to me indicate that their sexual history is heterosexual, they do not feel aroused by gay fantasies, and that they are troubled by these thoughts. So I thought I would address some of these issues here.
Here is how obsessive people think of their thoughts (from my book, Anxiety Free):
People who suffer from OCD have certain characteristic ways of evaluating their own obsessive thoughts. These often take the form of false beliefs that not only distort reality, but strengthen the obsessions. I have listed below problematic ways of thinking about your thoughts and some possible realistic and helpful ways of challenging your intolerance of these thoughts. See if any of this fits you.
My thoughts are abnormal. The things that go through my head are totally weird. Other people don’t have thoughts like this. There must be something wrong with me.
The obsessive person believes that the thought, “I might be gay," is unusual, weird, and unique to him or her. But isn’t it possible that anyone can have this thought? What is so “wrong” or “weird” about having a thought? What if you normalized any thought as acceptable?
My thoughts are dangerous. Imagining a certain reality could make it come true. If I can’t control or eliminate the images in my mind, there will be terrible consequences. The more I think about bad things happening, the more likely it is that they’ll happen.
The obsessive believes that they must rid their mind of the “unwanted thought” that they are gay lest it come true and they unravel, lose control, and experience terrible consequences. This is a form of “thought-action fusion” where you believe that your thoughts and images will become reality. Of course, you can have the thought that there are white bears dancing in the waiting room but, if you look, there will be no white bears.
I can control my thoughts. If I keep bad thoughts from entering my mind, they can’t exert power over me. I can influence the kind of thoughts I have through effort and willpower. Giving my thoughts free rein is too dangerous to be an option.
This is a form of “pure mind” thinking where you believe that you need to rid your mind of any unwanted thoughts. But the mind is a noisy place, filled with lots of information—most of it irrelevant. Moreover, the more you try to suppress the thought about white bears, the more likely you will have these thoughts.
Explanation:
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