Monologues for Girls: Monologue One: Suppose all ya ever had for breakfast was onion rolls. Then one day, in walks (gasp) a bagel! You'd say, 'Ugh, what's that?' Until you tried it! That's my problem -I'm a bagel on a plate full of onion rolls. Nobody recognizes me! Listen, I got 36 expressions. Sweet as pie and tough as leather. And that's six expressions more than all those...Barrymores put together. Instead of just kicking me, why don't they give me a lift? Well, it must be a plot, 'cause they're scared that I got...such-a gift! 'Cause I'm the greatest star, I am by far, but no one knows it. Wait -they're gonna hear a voice, a silver flute. They'll cheer each toot, hey, she's terrific!, when I expose it. Now can't you see to look at me that I'm a natural, I just feel, I've so much to offer. Kid, I know I'd be divine because I'm a natural cougher (coughs) -some ain't got it, not a lump. I'm a great big clump of talent! Laugh, they'll bend in half. Did you ever hear the story about the travelling salesman? A thousand jokes, stick around for the jokes. A thousand faces. I reiterate. When you're gifted, then you're gifted. These are facts, I've got no axe to grind. What are ya, blind? In all of the world so far, I'm the greatest star! No autographs, please. What? You think beautiful girls are gonna stay in style forever? I should say not! Any minute now they're gonna be out! FINISHED! Then it'll be my turn!Monologue Two:Oh Dd!...Do we have to go to Grandma's house? I don't know what makes you think going to Grandma's house is so much fun; you get up early and polish the car like we're going someplace cool, like the beach. Is it just me, or does her house smell like an old antique store couch...Yuk! And besides that, I'm the one she latches onto, to listen to all her old stories...well, I'm sorry if I can't appreciate her "WISDOM" right now...and Dad, let's face it, even you can admit the lady's a little bit crazy. One day I was going into the kitchen to get myself a drink and I heard her talking to somebody, I didn't want to disturb her, so I was really quiet. She was asking Grandpa how much salt he'd like in the stew,..and he's been dead for ten years! I mean, come on! And another thing, I'm sorry, but her cooking is awful too...and OH!...OH!...and what was that disgusting stuff she made us last time for supper...BOILED OKRA?...That's just wrong! It felt like a hairy clam going down my throat. It took me three or four sips of Coke after each bite to get it down, and stay downw I can still taste it! Dad can't we just skip this visit? I mean, Christmas is only four months away. I'm sure she wouldn't mind if we just called herPleeease!
Monologue Two (for boys):Miss Meyers, can you just answer me just one question?...Why is it that I have to take P.E.every stinking year, because really...I want to know. I mean every year, it's exactly the same, I'm forced to humiliate myself in front of the rest of the class. It's not so bad for the kids who are athletes, but for the rest of us, like me, it's not so easy.(Beat) Yes, Miss Meyers...I know, I know...P.E. is just as important as algebra and biology, and yes I agree that you should get a grade based on your abilities and skills. But everyone has to take the same class! They don't have "Basic P.E." like they have "General Science" or "Basic Math"...that would be a whole different subject completely! And why do we have to rotate activities all the time, why can't we stick with one thing for awhile, that way I could redeem myself by getting better at something.Soccer and Basketball aren't so bad, but this body shouldn't be on a balance beam during gymnastics. I just become entertainment for the rest of the class. High school is humiliating enough without coming in five minutes after everyone else during the mile run...while they're showered and going to lunch, I'm just crossing the finish line. I already know the theory around fitness...it-is-a-part-of-a-well-rounded-education. But the least they could do is level the playing field for everyone. I know there's not much you can do for me, but thanks, for at least letting me get that off my chest...See you in the gym
