I think this is a good rough draft. But in any rough draft, there are some things you can fix (punctuation and grammar mistakes, simplifying your sentences, etc.). So I will do the best I can to list them!
Explanation:
1. Check for capital and spelling errors (the "I" in "Imagine" has to be lower case)
2. The sentences seem like facts just bunched up together. Smooth them out using good transition words (for example, leading onto, before going into)
3. You say, "If you just think about it for a little while", but the reader doesn't have time to "think about it for a little while" if you just jump to the conclusion. Read over and think about that "for a little while", but also correct them (LOL)
4. In ever essay, there are at least 4 paragraphs, you only have 1. Split up your thoughts into several ideas and them use evidence, quotes, and more to enhance your essay
5. "Side effects...and memory." Turn that whole sentence around and make it clearer: "Some side effects, such as lack of focus and sleep deprivation, can occur when students use electronic devices (or just write, 'electronics') throughout most of their day."
6. Overall, this essay has great facts and you have some amazing thoughts on your topic, however, you seem to have trouble make them clear and separate. It was a little "mumble-jumbled". Great work though! Hope I helped! ^-^ :)
